Alone

Managing emotions - Identifying feelings

Timothy wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how she made his heart jump with every look and pound with every word when close. But Timothy couldn’t tell her how he felt, no matter how hard he tried. Because Timothy was mute. So instead of words, poetries, and the like that would flow from an enamored’s lips, Timothy said nothing at all. Not, “hi” not, “hello” not, “how are you” not, “you’re beautiful” “do you want to hang out sometime” “I’d like to get to know you”. All Timothy could do was plead with his eyes, beg her with a look to come home with him so he could show her how he felt. He could shower her with gifts, surprise her every day, translate every ounce of affection into symbols of love that he could not put into words. But it would never become, because he had no way to tell her how he felt inside. He could only plead with his eyes that she’d understand, but she never did.

So later, after Timothy’s car accident, after he’d tried yelling at the other driver a warning yet unheard, she came into his life again. Would fate give him another chance to communicate these tidal waves of emotion and bring her into his life? No, because those of us who have seen this before know of fate’s cruel and sadistic ways. Still without a way to communicate his words, Timothy’s accident caused his neck to twist in such a way that despite all strained efforts, all he could do was look down at his own feet. And when he walked, those feet shuffled in such a way that made others look upon him with relief that God had not put them in such a condition as well. Timothy tried to maintain his demeanor, to smile at others as if nothing were wrong, but his eyes could never quite reach a friendly face, and without words to bridge that gap, he had nothing to offer.

So years went by, and Timothy suffered through his cruelly imposed condition, losing friends and opportunities at friendship, and family as well, because it is difficult to communicate with one who cannot. So he was forced to withdraw from society, slowly though, because he still went into public, held a job, bought groceries, visited museums and aquariums, and attempted to make the most of his increasingly solitary life. But without friends, acquaintances, or any other people in his life to make loneliness go away, Timothy began to lose hearing. Because though science shows less noise improves our hearing, Timothy’s got worse with no conversations or even kind words directed at him, to the point when he became deaf. And now he could not even hear when the nice girl told him to have a nice day, or see when she leaned over to smile at him.

With nobody to spend time with, he started eating less, since there was nobody to share his meals with they became routine and boring, sometimes skipped now for fear of reminders of loneliness. Eventually Timothy stopped eating at all, because he knew that everyone else ate meals with smiles and conversations, and belonging to groups of people who laughed and enjoyed life in public while he sat alone. And then came the physical numbness, when his emotions had been so hardened by life’s cruel fate that he no longer felt things like the cold winter air or blistering summer heat. His emotions had been turned off so that no longer could he feel anything inside, nor outside of his body either. And eventually Timothy shuffled along a cold, lonesome street, not knowing the time because he could not ask, and not feeling the frostbite set in and slowly bringing his lonesome experience of life to its death.

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